Everyone had different things that make them happy, that calms them when they are stressed, that makes them so happy they are glowing.

Happiness to me is….

above all things my boys, they make me laugh and smile countless times every day.

Baking! cookies, cakes, bread…most things really…this is my stress relief (and the results taste good)

Friends! Yesterday I went With the kids to see some friends and we spent the day talking and eating and drinking and laughing! And I mean really laughing so hard that you can hardly breath.

My family. Mum, stepdad, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews. I love spending time with my family they are very special and very important to me and we have a brilliant time when we are all together (we are very loud too)

The Internet and social network sites…I know, I know it sounds a bit daft but through forums and Facebook and twitter I have made some amazing friends and because they don’t live locally this is my main way to contact them and share what is going on in our lives.

My phone. Yes I admit it I love my phone, I feel naked without it and I use it probably far too much (am using it to write this blog) this is again what I use to have contact with my friends that are too far away to just pop round and see on a whim.

Music! You gotta love shaking your tail feather to some great tunes *trying to sound hip and failing* we have music on in my house more than we have the tv on.

Books! Loosing myself in someone else’s world is a treat for me! It’s rare I get to read more than one chapter a night now before I fall asleep. But I used to read until I couldn’t hold the book anymore and have been known to sob my heart out at sad parts in book (cried at some point of every happy potter book)

Go on!! Tell me what makes you happy! It will make you smile

Xxx
Kay

Then it dawned on me that I am far happier about her pregnancy than I ever was about my pregnancy with X.

I was still grieving after a miscarriage before him and my marriage had all but broken down, my health was bad and the whole pregnancy I was miserable. I waited until the last few weeks to get anything and was basically in denial until I had him.

Thankfully as soon as I held him in my arms I fell head over heels in live with him and bonded with him far quicker than I ever did with K.

I won’t ever be having any more babies and I’m a little sad that I won’t get to have a happy pregnancy myself…but I’m gonna be enjoying being an ‘Auntie’ again

Xxx
Kay

I got a phone call I have been dreading for months…I wasn’t surprised though…

The phone call was important, basically telling me that early next year It’s very likely I will be facing the man who I still have nightmares about 7 years on….

If you have never been in an abusive relationship you can’t understand why such strong, beautiful women (and men) stay with someone who is hurting them and ruining their lives.

And if you have been in an abusive relationship it’s hard to explain to people who haven’t why you stayed for so long…or why you can’t leave.

For me?! He came to me when I was young and hurt (I had just has my heart broken) and from the first moment I met him he started manipulating me. Within a few weeks he managed to turn most of my friends against me so I felt alone…that the only person I had was him…
Within months he managed to interrupt my education and made me quit my job…

He forced me to move in with him…I remember sitting at my parents house crying because I didn’t want to live with him and leave the protection of my family….

When I started living with him is when the violence started….

But by that time I had next to no friends, didn’t have a place at my parents anymore….all I felt I had was him.

I lived with him for about 5 months…..

I tried to commit suicide once…but the abuse for doing something like that wasn’t worth trying and failing again…

I wasn’t allowed to leave his tiny flat without permission and I wasn’t allowed to invite friends or family round. I was made to clean and cook and do everything he said at a moments notice.

People ask what it was that made me leave….he send a picture of his **** to a younger girl I knew…and I decided that was that. It’s stupid really! That something that small made me leave but him physically hurting me didn’t. And no I don’t understand it.

He broke me! After I left he stalked me and threatened to kill me and plenty other things.

The worst thing though!….it still affects me 7 years on…relationships scare me, I still have nightmares about him whenever I’m stresses, I can’t have anyone (including my children) touch my throat without panicking, I doubt my own judgement.

So it’s a little after 8pm on the 27th of march and this time last year I had been single for 11 hours.

I was mostly numb and probably in shock. My unhappy world had become infinitely more difficult.
I was suddenly alone with a 3 month old who was breastfeeding every other hour day and night and who had colic from 9pm-3am every night, and a 2 and a half year old who was potty training and who got up for the day before 6am every day….as you can guess I was pretty tired already and the prospect of doing it all alone was more than daunting.

The hard thing about the split wasn’t that I was heart broken loosing him, I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to cope alone with 2 tiny boys, how they would react to the separation, how I would physically cope doing everything by myself…

I struggled before when I had his ‘help’ as I have eds and fibromyalgia….how was I going to survive? How was I going to be a good enough mother?

I begged him to come back in the week after the split…I just didn’t have enough confidence in myself.

Thankfully he refused!!

But with quite a lot of help from my family at times and some fantastic friends (especially my cowgirl) who believed in me and supported me more than they realise….I have managed a whole year by myself!

And dammit! I’m pretty proud!

We have had lots of ups but quite a lot of downs too, We have probably eaten way too many unhealthy freezer meals and got take out too many times. I have cried myself to sleep a few times and been up all night far to many times to count. I have lots all of my pregnancy weight in record time (thanks to stress and weightwatchers) my house hasn’t always been as tidy as I want it too be. I have decorated my bedroom and made it mine. I have (almost) become a breastfeeding peer supporter
And
The most important thing…

I have happy healthy children and a happy (mostly) healthy me

So you single parents whether you have been single for a week or two or 10+ years be proud of yourself because you do the hardest job in the world (in my opinion)

And you married parents with partners you have to help you get 5 minuets break when your baby has been screaming for 5 hours and your so tired you think your head might implode…think about the single parents you know and offer to give them a break for an hour or so, so they can have a bath or get their hair cut…or maybe even just go to the toilet in peace for the first time that week.

And the last thing I think I need to say is i am happy to be moving forwards single or with a partner…but I believe in me now**

**disclaimer. I don’t believe in me 24/7 I tend to have wobbles…mostly at 4.45am when I havnt slept yet and X won’t go to sleep

Since I have now been single for 11 months I figure it couldn’t hurt to make my own list….

I asked for suggestions on twitter and here is what I got…

“@madmumof3: @KayAndHerBoys must be a good cook,able to run a bath, dependable & honest. Good with kids, love in-laws & respectful in & out of bed!! Lol”
“@madmumof3: @KayAndHerBoys and he must be able to make you laugh! )”

“@mattwhiskers: @KayAndHerBoys I would put “Marmite. Love it or hate it?””

“@livvynew: @KayAndHerBoys ok…what about…loves cuddles…. can kiss for hours…a smile that melts your heart (too picky??) lol x”

“@stesedg: @KayAndHerBoys dashing good looks, rapier wit and a lengthy penis?”

“@WitchyCowgirl: @KayAndHerBoys takes all hats off as stepping through the doorway.”

“@MrFraig: @KayAndHerBoys How about “Will treat me like the princess/sex goddess I am”?”

Which are all brilliant and should be included in my list

So onto my list…

• must be over 30 (I have a thing for older guys)
• must have a job (uniform a big bonus #Mmmmeninuniform)
• absolutely no drugs
• no criminal record
• preferably drives (car not motorbike as they are scary)
• must like kids
• must NOT treat me like crap
• tattoos and piercings encouraged
• must be trustworthy
• being rich would be nice but isn’t that important
• worshiping the ground I walk on would also be nice
• must accept that my boys come first.
• must NOT have a bad temper
• must be good in bed
• must be taller than me (I am 5″5ish)

Ok so the list is mostly for fun…in fact this whole blog is mostly for fun…but…

What I really want is someone to want me, to be there when I’m stroppy or hurting or sad as well as when I’m happy, someone to do the boring stuff with as well as the fun and enjoy it because they are with me.
I want someone who will be a good role model/influence for my boys.
I want someone who is funny and who laughs at my jokes too.
I want someone who will respect me and not lie.

I want what everyone else on this planet wants…to be loved and to have someone to love.

Ok so if you think your the guy/girl for the job how about fulling this out

http://www.yourobserver.com/resources/pdf/file-20100713095615.pdf

(email can be requested via comment or by dm on twitter)

;-D

‘Grr! I am a monster molar!!
I’m punching and kicking my way out of your gums,
Im gonna make you stay awake all night and scream and cry!!

Teething gels, Amber necklaces, even calpol won’t help!

I will also make you have a high temperature and a bad nappy rash.

And I will take my time slowly torturing you!!!’

‘ps. I have 7 more monster molar friends’

Is there a certain amount of time that people should wait?

How long should I wait before introducing them to my children?

I have been thinking about this a lot recently, in the past few months I have been asked out on a date or two, and chatted to a few people liking some more than others.

But havn’t yet met a person who I’m interested enough in to start a new relationship.

I have got used to being by myself with my boys and not really sure how someone new would fit into our life.

My boys are starting to become less clingy and dependent on me which means I can leave them with my mum or their dad can take them for longer (when he can be bothered…but that’s for another time) which means I am able to go out and see friends and meet new people.

On the 4th I will be having a evening out for one of my best friends birthdays and for the first time ever someone else (my mum) will be putting them to bed. The last time I went out in the evening was over a year ago.

Everyone I talk to seems to have different opinions about new relationships but the main one is ‘do what feels right!’

But what if you don’t know what right is?

I have made some huge errors in judgement in the past and even though I don’t completely regret them I don’t want to risk it because of the boys.

My mum met a guy while she was working in a hotel, the next day she got a note from him asking for her number so she gave him it. They tallked on the phone a lot and then he came up to visit. We met him and liked him. We saw him a few more times and then met his children. Then he asked her to marry her, she said yes! We moved from Northumberland to Essex to be closer to him, they got married…. It’s their 14th wedding anniversary next month.

I knew my ex for 10 years before we were married….we wed in 2006 and will be divorced in 2011

This probably doesn’t make any sense at all sorry…was hoping it would help it make sense in my brain but it hasn’t worked.

Well I have either got to sit alone and worry about the things that could go wrong or I have got to take a deep breath and jump….

Tuesday he spent an hour there by himself, it was the first time i have EVER left him with people he didn’t know before. he had never been to a nursery or a crèche before. i spent the whole hour looking at the clock or my phone expecting a call from the school saying i need to come as he is really upset…no call came and when i arrived to collect him he didn’t even want to leave.

Wednesday he was set to spend the whole afternoon there by himself.  again i was worried as not old would ha be spending the whole afternoon there but he and  X spent 2 hours in a crèche while i was at the first class of my breastfeeding peer supporter course. But again he was brilliant and had a great time.

thursday and today (friday) went just as well too…in fact i didn’t even get a kiss goodbye today!!

poor X has had a harder time than K…he misses him when he is at school

this week X also got his very first pair of proper shoes as my tiny baby is now walking properly!!!!! they are really cute and even flash!

my first this week was my breastfeeding peer supporter course started this week. it’s the first educational thing i have done since college…

I am really proud of all of us this week!!!

…midwives rush into the room to check monitors and help me move onto my side
…
…
…
Silence
…
No beeping from the machine monitoring his heart
….
…
…
Everyone holds their breath watching the monitor
…
…
…
‘CRASH’ shouts the midwife out the door
…
….
….
…..
About 10 midwives and doctors RUN into the room all talking at each other
‘open the operating room’
‘gonna have to put her under’
‘it’s ok everything is fine honest’
…
….
….
Beep, beep, beep
….
Everyone turns to watch the monitor
Beep, beep, beep
Beep
Beep
‘you need to have the baby now’
Beep
Beep
Beep
‘we could loose the heartbeat again’
Beep
Beep
Beep
‘baby isn’t coping with labor’
Beep
Beep
Beep
‘your only 3cm dilated’
Beep
Beep
Beep

Moving into the operating theatre

‘there is a lot of scar tissue to get through’

‘your baby has been born’
…
…
…
….
Quiet talking and the sound of the suction machine
…
…
…
A quiet little cry

‘congratulations! You have a boy!’

This time I’m 16 and I walk in on my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with) telling another girl he loved her and missed her
…
I took him back, then he dumped me 3 weeks later and started seeing one of my friends.

I’m sitting in my first home away from my parents house (a crappy little bedsit) crying and have a dislocated jaw…my boyfriend at the time had just hit me in the face because I ‘had the cheek to talk during his tv program’
….
‘I’m sorry’ he said ‘I will never do it again, I love you!’
….
It was my wrist that he dislocated the next time by using it to pull me to the floor.

A White dress, family and friends watching ‘I love you….my love for you will never end…in sickness and in health…I do!!!’
…..
We are divorcing, his main reason for divorcing me is I ‘got ill and he had to look after me and the boys’
…..
The first time he lied to me (that I know of) was Xmas eve 05…then again from August/September 07…then continually since then
….
He has lost his wife and 2 of his children over it…he has also lost friends
….
And I have lost the ability to trust people

I struggle to trust that my friends actually like me and enjoy spending time with me.

I struggled to trust that the lady working in the post office… who offered to take K to the staff toilet for me so I could finish wrapping the gift…wasn’t going to hurt him or steal him away.

I struggle to trust a guy…who really likes me and cares for me and wants to help me in any way he can…is real and honest and isn’t going to hurt us.

I struggle to trust that my solicitor is actually going to help me and the boys.

But the person that I find the most difficult to trust is me
….
Am I a good mother?
…
Am I doing the right thing?
…
Am I a good friend?
….
….
….
Am I going to survive this ?????!