im drowning in grief…

well i am when i find myself doing nothing…its usually when im brusing my teeth before bed, when both boys are asllep in bed and the house is quiet…or when im sitting feeding X and K is playing quietly

thats when it hits me…

im alone                 my husband has left me

it makes it hard to breath, it makes me cry, it makes me want to shout and scream and curse, it makes me want to hit him, it makes me want to turn back time, it makes me want to run away…

but i can’t so i take deep breaths, i wipe my face and i continue looking after my 2 boys who are now my world

its been a little over 2 weeks now since i caught him smoking weed in the garden at 8am when he was supposed to be looking after K

we fought! as he had broken a promise again, that he lied to me again, as he had brought weed into the house again after swearing on our childrens life he wouldn’t

i told him to beg forgiveness or leave…

he left

i have been a single mum of 2 boys for 17 days now

i hate him for doing this to us, he deliberately was doing things to hurt me so i would tell him to leave and that it would all be my fault…im not saying im totally blameless but i tried, i tried my hardest to keep my marriage together, i forgave him for all the times he lied and broke promises, for all the times he just lay down and went to sleep leaving our 2 year old to play without supervision (who would often end up doing dangerous things) i let him go out with his friends at least twice a week and have him getting in at past 2 am while i was home alone dealing with a colicy/reflux baby who cried and screamed from 9pm – 3am

i tried to fix it and he broke it more and more

so im alone now….im a single mum and im doing ok (i think)