having a really bad day today
a few days ago i noticed that X only gets tears from one eye…this is due to the horners syndrome…this made me sad…
today i realised…X is poorly because of my stubboness…because i decided to have a VBAC…a home VBAC and not just opt for another c-section…i laboured for 40/41 hours and ended up having a emergency c-section because his heart rate kept dropping then dissapered before re-appearing
sometime in those hours while i was in labour the nerves in his face/eyes got damaged…resulting to a pupil that doesn’t open fully, tears from only one eye, him not being able to see well in low light and slumping to the left while he is tired
because of me
because of me my baby is broken and i don’t know what troubles he is gonna have because of this in the future…is it gonna be a cute quirk that not many people know/notice or is it gonna be a big thing that stops him fulfilling his true potential…
and it makes it worse that i have had no support or explanation from the hospital about what it is…the next appointment with his specialist is on the 20th…i just hope i get some more answers then before i go crazy
its even worse that i don’t have someone to share my worry with…so now because i have been sat here crying both the boys have got upset so i had better go dry my tears and put that smile back on my face
just so you know VBAC’s are safer than c-sections!!! i am just an unlucky one
Musings of a Mum of 2 boys 
5 comments
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May 14, 2010 at 12:03 pm
rugby mad
Keep smiling is not your fault how were you to know what would happen…mi am sure he will be ok and he WILL reach his full potential…
May 14, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Metajugglamum
Oh Sweetheart what an awful thing to be going through! But please please, don’t ever think that this is your fault. We only ever make decisions based upon the information we have at the time and I’m sure, in your case, you made the decision to go with the VBAC for all the best reasons. As you say, you were ‘unlucky’ but that does NOT mean you are to ‘blame’ or in any way a bad person.
I really hope you get some positive answers from the hospital soon and in the meantime, we are all crossing our fingers and toes for your both.
MJM xxxx
May 14, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Vicki
Hun: it is not your fault
Some people drink and smoke when pregnant and have fully healthy babies. Some of us try to do everything ‘right’ but fate still mucks things up.
But, of course, you won’t believe any of us 🙂
So at least take this <> to help you through xx
May 14, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Vicki
there was supposed to be a hug in those brackets! Damn phone
Huuugggg xx
May 23, 2010 at 10:24 am
worldofamummy
Oh sweetie – you know as well as I do that you VBAC’d because you believed it was the best thing for X. I remember how much you wanted a natural home birth and how well you coped with the disappointment of going into hospital.
Nobody told you this could happen and you did what you did because it was the best option for everyone at the time. You haven’t done anything wrong and this isn’t your fault. I am sure that you won’t let it stop X reaching his full potential.
We all do things that we think are best for our children and have to hope that luck and fate are with us in our decisions.
I hope that your HV is able to offer some support and that when your ex-partner is around he can give you a shoulder to cry on as well.
Take care of yourself and please, don’t blame yourself.