so this one is gonna be hard to write…it might be hard to read too but i think i need to get this out of my brain where it has been buzzing around getting louder all the time….

when i was pregnant with K it was rather stressful… on top of the constant nausea and the new mummy worries. i had reduced  blood flow to my womb, started to go into labour at 30 weeks, reduced amniotic fluid and then around my due date my waters broke and 5 days after i had a c-section…i now know that it wasn’t done well and it took me a long time to recover from it.

i found it very hard to bond with K due to him being taken from me so often in those first few days.  i think i only got to hold him for about 10/15 mins in the first 2 hours of him being born and he was taken away every 12 hours to be given antibiotics…i also had a very hard time breastfeeding as he is tongue tied (fed him for 5 months and he is still tongue tied as Drs wont do anything about it) so it was very painful

i think it was a little before his first birthday before i finally felt like he was MINE and that no one was going to take him away from me.

a while later we decided to try for another baby and i fell pregnant in late october but sadly miscarried on december 13th …because of the hormone levels and how ill i was both the doctors and myself think it was twins….

after spending most of that day at the hospital i came home and wanted to spend a quiet night with my husband grieving…

he went to a party instead…even though i begged and pleaded with him to stay with me he left me home alone while i was loosing the babies…he came home about 3am pissed and stunned

THAT was the beginning of the end of our marriage

R started mostly sleeping on the sofa

i conceived again around valentines day

things were bad still between R and I but when we fought we would make up after a day or two

when i was 13 weeks pregnant R was out on one of his (2/3 times a week, every week) nights out and i had asked him to be home by 2am…by 3.30am he still wasn’t home and he had called saying he was pissed and stoned again so i told him to find somewhere else to sleep that night…

the next morning when he came home he was very hung over and very aplogetic…so i forgave him but when i went upstairs to get a cd for him from the landing (where K had full access to 24/7) i found a pack of weed that was well within K’s reach…

Que big fight!

i leave and take K with  me…we stay at my mums for a few days and them come home after lots of groveling and apologies and a promise he will never do it again.

because off everything that had happened i started to get depressed…really depressed…

i would stand at the top of the stairs at home and picture throwing myself down them and breaking my neck

i would look at tall buildings and think about falling from them

i would lie in bed and think about the sharp knives in the kitchen

i wanted out..i wanted to die…i hated the thought that i was going to bring another child into such an unhappy world…i couldn’t…i didn”t want to

i thought about getting an abortion….even when i could feel him moving and seeing my stomach grow…i loved the baby, god i loved him so much but i despised myself for bringing a child into such an unhappy family

the pregnancy hormones and the behaviour of my husband towards me was almost too much.

as you know by the fact im still here i didn’t do anything stupid…i no longer feel that way.

i had X in another stressful c-section and didn’t get to hold him for a while again but once i had him he went straight onto my breast and latched on perfectly and i felt that instant rush of love that i didn’t get with K.

the fighting between R and I got worse after we had X…R was going out 2/3 times a week before X was even a week old and i have realised that its been about 3 years since i was put before R’s friends and R’s wants

im alone now…out of the bad relationship…i can’t say im happy yet, but im not unhappy.

i love both of my boys more than anything else and i feel so very guilty for my part in putting them through the bad relationship and split

im glad my marriage is over and it feels good to write that