Let me set the picture…7 year old me getting ready for school when my dad gets ready to leave the house. I ask him where he is going and he replies ‘I’m just going into town, I will see you tonight’
….
When I got home from school my mum told me and my little sister that he had left and he wasn’t coming back
…..
I have seen my dad about 20 times since then

This time I’m 16 and I walk in on my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with) telling another girl he loved her and missed her

I took him back, then he dumped me 3 weeks later and started seeing one of my friends.

I’m sitting in my first home away from my parents house (a crappy little bedsit) crying and have a dislocated jaw…my boyfriend at the time had just hit me in the face because I ‘had the cheek to talk during his tv program’
….
‘I’m sorry’ he said ‘I will never do it again, I love you!’
….
It was my wrist that he dislocated the next time by using it to pull me to the floor.

A White dress, family and friends watching ‘I love you….my love for you will never end…in sickness and in health…I do!!!’
…..
We are divorcing, his main reason for divorcing me is I ‘got ill and he had to look after me and the boys’
…..
The first time he lied to me (that I know of) was Xmas eve 05…then again from August/September 07…then continually since then
….
He has lost his wife and 2 of his children over it…he has also lost friends
….
And I have lost the ability to trust people

I struggle to trust that my friends actually like me and enjoy spending time with me.

I struggled to trust that the lady working in the post office… who offered to take K to the staff toilet for me so I could finish wrapping the gift…wasn’t going to hurt him or steal him away.

I struggle to trust a guy…who really likes me and cares for me and wants to help me in any way he can…is real and honest and isn’t going to hurt us.

I struggle to trust that my solicitor is actually going to help me and the boys.

But the person that I find the most difficult to trust is me
….
Am I a good mother?

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I a good friend?
….
….
….
Am I going to survive this ?????!

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while i was stuck in my chair with back pain i was watching the good food channel and the goddess nigella was on…and was inspired to make this

Cola Ham and sweetcorn pudding/souffle

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We all LOVED the ham but wern’t really keen on the sweetcorn souffle…it tastes nice but the texture ruined it for me…

Ingredients for Ham


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I will put what Nigellas recipe in italic but i didn’t follow her directions as there is only me and 2 small boys eating so i halved everything. And i just used wholegrain mustard as a glaze and i didn’t stud it with cloves…lazy cook??…me???…lol

  • 2 kg gammon, mild cure
  • 1 onions, peeled and halved
  • 2 litres cola

For the glaze

  • 1 handfuls cloves
  • 1 tbsp black treacle
  • 2 tsp English mustard powder
  • 2 tbsp demerara sugar

1. I find now that mild-cure gammon doesn’t need soaking. If you know that you’re dealing with a salty piece, then put it in a pan covered with cold water, bring to the boil then tip into a colander in the sink and start from here; otherwise, put the gammon in a pan, skin side down if it fits like that, add the onion then pour over the cola.

2. Bring to the boil, reduce to a good simmer, put the lid on, though not tightly, and cook for just under 2 1/2 hours. If your joint is larger or smaller work out timing by reckoning on an hour a kilo altogether, remembering that it’s going to get a quick blast in the oven later. But do take into account that if the gammon’s been in the fridge right up to the moment you cook it, you will have to give a good 15 or so minutes’ extra so that the interior is properly cooked.

3. Meanwhile preheat oven to 240°C/gas 9.

4. When the ham’s had its time (and ham it is now it’s cooked, though it’s true that Americans call it ham from its uncooked state) take it out of the pan but do not throw away the cooking liquid. Let the ham cool a little for ease of handling. (Indeed you can let it cool completely then finish off the cooking at some later stage if you want).

5. Remove skin, leaving a thin layer of fat. Score the fat with a sharp knife to make fairly large diamond shapes, and stud each diamond with a clove. Then carefully spread the treacle over the bark-budded skin taking care not to dislodge the cloves. Then gently pat the mustard and sugar onto the sticky fat.

6. Cook, in a foil lined roasting tin for approximately 10 minutes or till the glaze is burnished and bubbly.

7. Should you want to do the braising stage in advance and then let the ham cool, clove and glaze it and give it 30-40 minutes, from room temperature, at 180°C/gas 4, turning up the heat towards the end if you think it needs it.

 

Sweetcorn pudding/souffle ingredients

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there was no recipe for this online (that i could find) so this is it as she described on the program

i also halved the amounts on this too as it would be far too big for us 3 and i substituted the dairy for some oat milk/cream

 

5 eggs
1 tin of creamed corn
1 tin of normal corn
5 tablespoons of flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
pinch of salt
600ml of single cream
600ml of milk

put eggs in bowl, whisk up. add creamed corn and normal corn, mix. add flour and baking powder then milk and cream and mix …pour into an oven proof dish and bake for 20-30 mins

 

recipe from good food website

what do you think when you look at me??

im a 23 year old single mum with 2 young boys and on benefits

people in general are judgmental….

i fall in to the category that gets dissaproved of by everyone…that gets judged by everyone

but being young with 2 young children when i was married was different…i got judged less…respected more….

now when i go out without my boys and without a wedding band i get people looking down their nose at me…judging me…for my age, for not having a ring, for not having a man at my side

and then when they find out i was married and my husband left they get this pitying look that says ‘oh you poor thing what did you do to make your husband leave’

What does the word ‘Divorced’ mean to you??

to me it means Failure…the marriage failed…the people in the marriage failed…he failed…i failed

(i do realise some of this (ok maybe most of this) it in my head and quite a lot of people probably don’t judge me and that im just projecting my insecurities)

im not a fan of change…i guess not many people are…

when i was 7 my dad left…out of the blue i ended up having panic attacks and nightmares

when i was 9 we moved from the middle of nowhere in Northumberland to Colchester i became very withdrawn and shy

when i was 10 we moved again into my stepdads house with his children and i started suffering from insomnia

basically im really not good with change

so when R left i wasn’t happy

but i think i am finally happy with the change that was forced on me 6 months ago.

when he left i was on autopilot looking after the boys and not thinking more than an hour ahead. i was so exhausted i didn’t even dream

after a couple of months i started thinking…lots and lots of thinking…mainly about the past…what went wrong, when it went wrong and a lot of why is he behaving like this.

recently i have started thinking about the future

im glad my marriage is over…neither of us were happy…it would have been better for all if we were still happy and together and none of all the horrible stuff had never happened but thats never gonna be.

i want a new future…i want to meet someone new…i want to grow and be happy and have fun.

i want to become ‘Kay’ again not just ‘mummy’ or ‘wife’

but for now i am happy being just me and the boys and i look forward to what life is gonna bring me

there once was a little girl who was happy and had lots of friends

she met a boy who was charming and nice…but the boy was really a horrible and bad boy who would hit the little girl. the horrible boy made her friends away and the little girl was sad.

after a year of being with the horrible boy the little girl ran away from the horrible boy…

and she met her HERO!

the Hero saved her from the horrid boy and made the horrid boy stop chasing after her..

the Hero was a lovely man and treated the girl like a princess

the little girl was happy again and she had friends again thanks to the Hero.

the little girl and the Hero fell in love and got married in a beautiful forest.

the little girl fell pregnant and couldn’t be happier

she had a little boy and her life was as close to perfect as she could imagine.

for a few months….

the Hero decided spending all his time with his family was a bit boring and decided to go out by himself more.

and some cracks in the little girls happiness appeared as the Hero had started telling lies.

the lies got more often and the little girls perfect life ended in tatters round her feet.

the little girl fell pregnant again and was very excited to have more babies…but sadly it wasn’t ment to be and she lost the pregnancy..

that was when the Hero stopped being a Hero…the little girl cried out for help and the Hero ignored her calls.

but the silly little girl still loved her unhero.

and she fell pregnant again…this time the unhero wasn’t very interested and wanted to spend time with his friends…so the silly little girl was left alone more and more.

she had another little boy and loved him dearly….

but the silly little girl and the unhero wasn’t happy with each other anymore.

and after an argument the unhero left

the silly little girl asked the unhero to come back but he wouldn’t.

the silly little girl let the unhero come to the house every day to see the babies

the unhero was very unkind to the silly little girl and called her all sort of names and said all sort of horrible names in front of the babies

and yet the silly little girl was still nice to the unhero…she still made dinner for him when he came to visit.

but no matter what the silly little girl did…the unhero would always shout at get angry at her.

the unhero met another girl and the silly little girl thought he would start being nicer to her as he was happy…but that didn’t work.

he started blaming the silly little girl for everything that was wrong in his life and everything that went wrong in the marriage.

the unhero started enjoying his life with his new girlfriend so much that his visits to see the babies went from 6/7 days a week to 2 days a week…and he told the silly little girl that it would end up only one visit a week.

after a little while the silly little girl started to think about meeting someone else but realised that she was far too busy with her babies to go looking for someone…so she would just have to wait for the right person to find her

to be continued….

so this one is gonna be hard to write…it might be hard to read too but i think i need to get this out of my brain where it has been buzzing around getting louder all the time….

when i was pregnant with K it was rather stressful… on top of the constant nausea and the new mummy worries. i had reduced  blood flow to my womb, started to go into labour at 30 weeks, reduced amniotic fluid and then around my due date my waters broke and 5 days after i had a c-section…i now know that it wasn’t done well and it took me a long time to recover from it.

i found it very hard to bond with K due to him being taken from me so often in those first few days.  i think i only got to hold him for about 10/15 mins in the first 2 hours of him being born and he was taken away every 12 hours to be given antibiotics…i also had a very hard time breastfeeding as he is tongue tied (fed him for 5 months and he is still tongue tied as Drs wont do anything about it) so it was very painful

i think it was a little before his first birthday before i finally felt like he was MINE and that no one was going to take him away from me.

a while later we decided to try for another baby and i fell pregnant in late october but sadly miscarried on december 13th …because of the hormone levels and how ill i was both the doctors and myself think it was twins….

after spending most of that day at the hospital i came home and wanted to spend a quiet night with my husband grieving…

he went to a party instead…even though i begged and pleaded with him to stay with me he left me home alone while i was loosing the babies…he came home about 3am pissed and stunned

THAT was the beginning of the end of our marriage

R started mostly sleeping on the sofa

i conceived again around valentines day

things were bad still between R and I but when we fought we would make up after a day or two

when i was 13 weeks pregnant R was out on one of his (2/3 times a week, every week) nights out and i had asked him to be home by 2am…by 3.30am he still wasn’t home and he had called saying he was pissed and stoned again so i told him to find somewhere else to sleep that night…

the next morning when he came home he was very hung over and very aplogetic…so i forgave him but when i went upstairs to get a cd for him from the landing (where K had full access to 24/7) i found a pack of weed that was well within K’s reach…

Que big fight!

i leave and take K with  me…we stay at my mums for a few days and them come home after lots of groveling and apologies and a promise he will never do it again.

because off everything that had happened i started to get depressed…really depressed…

i would stand at the top of the stairs at home and picture throwing myself down them and breaking my neck

i would look at tall buildings and think about falling from them

i would lie in bed and think about the sharp knives in the kitchen

i wanted out..i wanted to die…i hated the thought that i was going to bring another child into such an unhappy world…i couldn’t…i didn”t want to

i thought about getting an abortion….even when i could feel him moving and seeing my stomach grow…i loved the baby, god i loved him so much but i despised myself for bringing a child into such an unhappy family

the pregnancy hormones and the behaviour of my husband towards me was almost too much.

as you know by the fact im still here i didn’t do anything stupid…i no longer feel that way.

i had X in another stressful c-section and didn’t get to hold him for a while again but once i had him he went straight onto my breast and latched on perfectly and i felt that instant rush of love that i didn’t get with K.

the fighting between R and I got worse after we had X…R was going out 2/3 times a week before X was even a week old and i have realised that its been about 3 years since i was put before R’s friends and R’s wants

im alone now…out of the bad relationship…i can’t say im happy yet, but im not unhappy.

i love both of my boys more than anything else and i feel so very guilty for my part in putting them through the bad relationship and split

im glad my marriage is over and it feels good to write that

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am 🙂

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pm 😦

it has started already

daddy is becoming K’s favourite…its daddy this, daddy that, i want daddy, daddy is taking me here, daddy took me there.

daddy can always play when he see’s K…while mummy is doing housework or looking after X…daddy can take K to the park and the farm and museums…while mummy takes them shopping or to the doctors …daddy takes him to buy toys once and it isn’t forgotten…mummy buys toys and games when he is a good boy but that’s forgotten straight away.

i knew it would happen at some point as i am the residential parent…i do the boring things that have to be done and he gets the fun

it’s not fair!! i want to scream and shout and stomp my feet and cry

it’s not fair that a selfish man who is more interested in himself and his new girlfriend gets to be the ‘special parent’

it breaks my already bruised and battered heart

i can’t stay feeling like this…it will effect the boys…they have been handed enough issues to deal with by their ‘oh so wonderful dad’ who thinks shouting and swearing is an acceptable way to communicate…they don’t need a depressed mum too

but i will give myself today to cry and grieve for another change to my little family

tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully a better day.

i am starting divorce proceedings and going to be asking my health visitor to go ahead and arrange the home start visitor…and even think about councelling…as i need more support emotionally…he has taken many of my friends so im alone most of the time…i often feel i have no one to turn to, no one to talk to

i don’t like asking for help…never have…but i think im gonna have to before something breaks

kay

i miss being kissed

long soft lingering kisses.

hot hard passionate kisses.

licking, biting, sucking,

tasting, feeling, smelling.

hands in my hair,

stroking my neck,

on my lower back puling me closer.

stubble graze on my chin,

whispered nothings in my ear,

hot breath on my cheek,

tender swollen lips that tingle for hours after.

i want it!! i miss it!!!

not his

i want new lips to taste,

new skin to touch,

new scent to smell.

nothing more just yet

just a kiss

its my 5th wedding anniversary today…and i am alone…and my husband is spending the day with his new girlfriend.

kick in the teeth much…am crying lots today and had to force myself to get out of bed and look after the boys…

i feel so stupidly selfish moping about when i have 2 beautiful boys, that are looking out and they don’t know why

we saved a bottle of champagne to drink on out 5th anniversary…might pour it down the drain…will be pretty symbolic since my marriage went down the drain too