You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘depression’ tag.

so this one is gonna be hard to write…it might be hard to read too but i think i need to get this out of my brain where it has been buzzing around getting louder all the time….

when i was pregnant with K it was rather stressful… on top of the constant nausea and the new mummy worries. i had reduced  blood flow to my womb, started to go into labour at 30 weeks, reduced amniotic fluid and then around my due date my waters broke and 5 days after i had a c-section…i now know that it wasn’t done well and it took me a long time to recover from it.

i found it very hard to bond with K due to him being taken from me so often in those first few days.  i think i only got to hold him for about 10/15 mins in the first 2 hours of him being born and he was taken away every 12 hours to be given antibiotics…i also had a very hard time breastfeeding as he is tongue tied (fed him for 5 months and he is still tongue tied as Drs wont do anything about it) so it was very painful

i think it was a little before his first birthday before i finally felt like he was MINE and that no one was going to take him away from me.

a while later we decided to try for another baby and i fell pregnant in late october but sadly miscarried on december 13th …because of the hormone levels and how ill i was both the doctors and myself think it was twins….

after spending most of that day at the hospital i came home and wanted to spend a quiet night with my husband grieving…

he went to a party instead…even though i begged and pleaded with him to stay with me he left me home alone while i was loosing the babies…he came home about 3am pissed and stunned

THAT was the beginning of the end of our marriage

R started mostly sleeping on the sofa

i conceived again around valentines day

things were bad still between R and I but when we fought we would make up after a day or two

when i was 13 weeks pregnant R was out on one of his (2/3 times a week, every week) nights out and i had asked him to be home by 2am…by 3.30am he still wasn’t home and he had called saying he was pissed and stoned again so i told him to find somewhere else to sleep that night…

the next morning when he came home he was very hung over and very aplogetic…so i forgave him but when i went upstairs to get a cd for him from the landing (where K had full access to 24/7) i found a pack of weed that was well within K’s reach…

Que big fight!

i leave and take K with  me…we stay at my mums for a few days and them come home after lots of groveling and apologies and a promise he will never do it again.

because off everything that had happened i started to get depressed…really depressed…

i would stand at the top of the stairs at home and picture throwing myself down them and breaking my neck

i would look at tall buildings and think about falling from them

i would lie in bed and think about the sharp knives in the kitchen

i wanted out..i wanted to die…i hated the thought that i was going to bring another child into such an unhappy world…i couldn’t…i didn”t want to

i thought about getting an abortion….even when i could feel him moving and seeing my stomach grow…i loved the baby, god i loved him so much but i despised myself for bringing a child into such an unhappy family

the pregnancy hormones and the behaviour of my husband towards me was almost too much.

as you know by the fact im still here i didn’t do anything stupid…i no longer feel that way.

i had X in another stressful c-section and didn’t get to hold him for a while again but once i had him he went straight onto my breast and latched on perfectly and i felt that instant rush of love that i didn’t get with K.

the fighting between R and I got worse after we had X…R was going out 2/3 times a week before X was even a week old and i have realised that its been about 3 years since i was put before R’s friends and R’s wants

im alone now…out of the bad relationship…i can’t say im happy yet, but im not unhappy.

i love both of my boys more than anything else and i feel so very guilty for my part in putting them through the bad relationship and split

im glad my marriage is over and it feels good to write that

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it has started already

daddy is becoming K’s favourite…its daddy this, daddy that, i want daddy, daddy is taking me here, daddy took me there.

daddy can always play when he see’s K…while mummy is doing housework or looking after X…daddy can take K to the park and the farm and museums…while mummy takes them shopping or to the doctors …daddy takes him to buy toys once and it isn’t forgotten…mummy buys toys and games when he is a good boy but that’s forgotten straight away.

i knew it would happen at some point as i am the residential parent…i do the boring things that have to be done and he gets the fun

it’s not fair!! i want to scream and shout and stomp my feet and cry

it’s not fair that a selfish man who is more interested in himself and his new girlfriend gets to be the ‘special parent’

it breaks my already bruised and battered heart

i can’t stay feeling like this…it will effect the boys…they have been handed enough issues to deal with by their ‘oh so wonderful dad’ who thinks shouting and swearing is an acceptable way to communicate…they don’t need a depressed mum too

but i will give myself today to cry and grieve for another change to my little family

tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully a better day.

i am starting divorce proceedings and going to be asking my health visitor to go ahead and arrange the home start visitor…and even think about councelling…as i need more support emotionally…he has taken many of my friends so im alone most of the time…i often feel i have no one to turn to, no one to talk to

i don’t like asking for help…never have…but i think im gonna have to before something breaks

kay

having a really bad day today

a few days ago i noticed that X only gets tears from one eye…this is due to the horners syndrome…this made me sad…

today i realised…X is poorly because of my stubboness…because i decided to have a VBAC…a home VBAC and not just opt for another c-section…i laboured for 40/41 hours and ended up having a emergency c-section because his heart rate kept dropping then dissapered before re-appearing

sometime in those hours while i  was in  labour the nerves in his face/eyes got damaged…resulting to a pupil that doesn’t open fully, tears from only one eye, him not being able to see well in low light and slumping to the left while he is tired

because of me

because of me my baby  is broken and i don’t know what troubles he is gonna have because of this in the future…is it gonna be a cute quirk that not many people know/notice or is it gonna be a big thing that stops him fulfilling his true potential…

and it makes it worse that i have had no support or explanation from the hospital about what it is…the next appointment with his specialist is on the 20th…i just hope i get some more answers then before i go crazy

its even worse that i don’t have someone to share my worry with…so now because i have been sat here crying both the boys have got upset so i had better go dry my tears and put that smile back on my face

just so you know VBAC’s are safer than c-sections!!! i am just an unlucky one