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having a really bad day today

a few days ago i noticed that X only gets tears from one eye…this is due to the horners syndrome…this made me sad…

today i realised…X is poorly because of my stubboness…because i decided to have a VBAC…a home VBAC and not just opt for another c-section…i laboured for 40/41 hours and ended up having a emergency c-section because his heart rate kept dropping then dissapered before re-appearing

sometime in those hours while i  was in  labour the nerves in his face/eyes got damaged…resulting to a pupil that doesn’t open fully, tears from only one eye, him not being able to see well in low light and slumping to the left while he is tired

because of me

because of me my baby  is broken and i don’t know what troubles he is gonna have because of this in the future…is it gonna be a cute quirk that not many people know/notice or is it gonna be a big thing that stops him fulfilling his true potential…

and it makes it worse that i have had no support or explanation from the hospital about what it is…the next appointment with his specialist is on the 20th…i just hope i get some more answers then before i go crazy

its even worse that i don’t have someone to share my worry with…so now because i have been sat here crying both the boys have got upset so i had better go dry my tears and put that smile back on my face

just so you know VBAC’s are safer than c-sections!!! i am just an unlucky one

saw the gp and he helped reassure me that the Horner syndrome is most likely because of the traumatic birth he had but that he would be closely watched as he grows up

he has also been reffered to a paed dr for his reflux and dairy intolerance so am happy that things are getting sorted and we are seeing the right people

am still having a grumpy day today because of lack of sleep and the fact that none of my ‘real life’ friend actually give a flying f *%k about my son (including his godparents) its only some of my mummy friends who i met on a pregnancy/birth forum that actually even asked about him or wished him well

i really feel so alone 😦